I survived it. Dapat na `kong maging thankful do'n, `di ba? God sustained me. :) I don't think I'm worth it but that makes me blessed. I wish I could give back to Him. But how can I do it when I'm full of uncertainties, doubts, shortcomings, and all? :(
As I am typing these, I feel anxious. I've always been. I breathe anxiety like air. I have this feeling that I would breakdown anytime and recovery is impossible. Yes, I'm of little faith. Kawawa naman ako.
Meron akong isang release noong February 2017 sa Lifebooks--ang The Perfect Subject, na kwento nina Hannah at LA. Wala akong release sa PHR. Hindi naman na ako nagulat do'n. Returned ang story ni Dong Wook at hindi na uli ako nakapagpasa dahil nadala na ako sa nangyari sa dalawang MS ko. Bukod do'n, required nang kumuha ng resibo sa BIR. Okay. Hindi naman ako kawalan sa kanila. Hahaha.
Natapos ko nang i-rewrite ang His Amasona Wife at ipinasa ko sa VRJ Books at sa Lifebooks pero walang resulta. Ilang beses ko na siyang na-edit pero plano kong i-revise dahil... hindi ako makontento! Good sign ba ito? Hindi ko lang ba basta niloloko ang sarili ko? Pero gusto ko lang talagang maging proud sa sarili ko.
Isa pang malungkot na balita. Kim Jong Hyun of my favorite Korean boygroup passed away last December 18. I had a hard time accepting it. Depression defeated him. He couldn't take it anymore and so he did what he knew to end his sadness. His sadness, not his life. Shawols mourned and for the longest time, I cried. SHINee is always a part of me and will always be. I miss you, Bling! SHINee is always five, you know. We'll hang in there for Onew, Min Ho, Key, and Tae Min.
I was finally able to finished two spinoffs of Ally And The Grumpy Guy (Some Type Of Love) `yong isa, Love Songs, Isaw, At Siyempre, Ikaw (ito `yong sinasabi kong one year in-the-making), kwento nina Donna at Bob Earvin (I fell in love with Bob Earvin here) and Raindrops, Unofficial Dates, And A Beautiful Soul (eight months in the making naman ito), kwento nina Gustine and Jerusha na ang inspiration ko ay si Lee Jong Suk. I never thought na mai-inlove ako kay Gustine dito. He's really unexpected. Ang inspiration ko sa character ni Jerusha? Ang sarili ko with all my what ifs figured out. I wished I am Jerusha. Makikitira nga sa fiction world!
How did I welcome my 2018? With anxiety and mild depression, as usual. Pero hindi pa naman ako sumusuko sa pagkabaliw. Ang hina-hina ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung paano tutulungan ang sarili ko, sa totoo lang. I don't want to let my emotions deceived me. I don't think my friends understand me. Naghahanap na lang ako ng rason para umiyak, hoping it would lighten up my burden. I feel like I am alone in this battle and no one's there to help. But that's life. It isn't always good to everyone.
So... marami pa akong manuscript na kailangang isulat. I'm happy I was able to read a decent book. Hilig ko rin kasing magpa-disctract, e, `no? Lord, help me make it. You're my only hope.
